It’s that time of year, everyone – time to compose your annual holiday newsletters. I love holiday newsletters, but some of these missives (including mine) are a bit pretentious and heavy on holiday cheer- nobody has that good a year or such extraordinary spouses, kids and pets! I frequently wonder what has been left out. Instead of elaborate messages, written in calligraphy, bursting with exciting vacations, glamorous weddings, graduations with highest honors, dream homes, stellar accomplishments of the children, and so on, what if the holiday letter writer got real? Wouldn’t it be refreshing to occasionally receive a holiday newsletter similar to the letter following:
Dear Family and Friends –
Once again, it’s that time of year when the holiday festivities unwind and we are greeted by a new year full of promise. 2018 has certainly been eventful for the Whizzle family!
Our family continues to grow as we welcome our handsome new son-in-law, Horst. Yes, our bright and beautiful eldest daughter, Apple, has finally had the wedding of her dreams. She and Horst had been engaged for 15 years, so it was quite the celebration when he was finally let out on parole in June. It was a storybook wedding, except for that ankle bracelet thingy Horst was wearing. It kept beeping and interrupting the vows. I guess the battery was dying. Anyway, they are living with us until they can get their feet on the ground.
As for our other children, we’re so proud to announce that our brilliant son, Gregor, finally graduated from college this year with a degree in Viticulture. Naturally, he’ll be living here for a few years since he has $80,000 in college loans to pay off, which may take a while since he’s currently working minimum wage.
Of course, the year hasn’t been all sunshine and lollipops for our kids.
Of course, the year hasn’t been all sunshine and lollipops for our kids. Sadly, our sweet and sensitive eldest son, Serge, had to move back home with his two kids since his wife ran off with her old high school boyfriend after their high school reunion. I always knew that woman was no good! And our precious baby, Maxim, regretfully had to quit high school this year when he lost his battle with Chronic Inertia. We’re hoping his gaming therapy will lift his spirits soon.
On a happier note, Ed has finally decided to retire in March after 45 years with Crankshank Industries. We thought it was never going to be possible after we lost our nest egg in that ponzi scheme Horst got us involved in a few years back, but unbeknownst to Ed, I had been squirreling away a few dollars here and there from my little business selling overpriced costume jewelry. When we found out it was so much cheaper to live in Mexico, we got a reverse mortgage and bought a little place in San Miguel de Allende. We’ll be moving to a cozy one-bedroom hacienda the day after Ed retires. We’ll send you our new address soon, but please don’t share it with the bank or the kids. They think we’re going on a cruise.
Feliz Navidad and Feliz Año Nuevo… Ed and Francine Whizzle.
Patty Sisco pen name, Elizabeth Silva, is the author of a memoir, Another Cheesy Family Newsletter and community contributor to the Dallas Morning News. She attended the University of North Texas, where she met her future husband, and graduated as an English major and devotee of the written word. In the ensuing years she wove her career as a public school teacher and counselor into her role as wife and mother to three children, now adults, and three grandchildren, now aged 24, 17, and 11. Because of her life experiences with family members and students struggling with mental health and addiction issues, she is a passionate advocate for improving mental health care, advancing opportunities for people with autism, supporting grandparents raising grandchildren, championing public schools, and seeing humor in all life’s experiences. She and her husband currently live in Grand Prairie with their two grandsons, a dog, and two cats. She is presently collaborating with her granddaughter on a picture book for children raised in untraditional families.